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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Monday, 2006. February 27. 14:02 - [profile]
Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could. |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 19:14 - [profile]
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 19:13 - [profile]
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system: #1 SIMPLE DUTIES You make the bed (+1) You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0) You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1) You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+  But return with Beer (-5) You check out a suspicious noise at night (0) You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0) You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5) You pummel it with iron rod (+10) It's her pet (-10) SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS You stay by her side the entire party (0) You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2) Named Tina (-4) Tina is a dancer (-6) Tina has silicon implants (-80) HER BIRTHDAY You take her out to dinner (0) You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1) Okay, it's a sports bar (-2) And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3) It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team (-10) A NIGHT OUT You take her to a movie (+2) You take her to a movie she likes (+4) You take her to a movie you hate (+6) You take her to a movie you like (-2) It's called 'ROBOCOP' (-3) You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15) YOUR PHYSIQUE You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15) You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10) You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000) |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:59 - [profile]
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 45 degrees north latitude and between 9 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be in Information Technology," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am!" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault." |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:49 - [profile]
Wrong Email Address The Gallaghers, a couple from Minneapolis, decided to go to Florida during the icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Both husband and wife had hectic schedules and it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. The husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday while his wife planned to fly down the day after. Mr. Gallagher checked into the hotel and decided to send an email to his wife. But in typing he accidentally left out one letter in her email address. Without realizing his error, he sent the email.Meanwhile, in Houston, the widow Gallager returned home from her husband's funeral. He had been a minister of many years, called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: February 5, 2004 I know you're surprised to hear from me. It's amazing—they have computers here now and you can send emails to loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. Love, Harry P.S. Sure is hot down here! |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:47 - [profile]
TEACHER : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested? PAPPU: A teacher |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:47 - [profile]
TEACHER : PAPPU, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his ? PAPPU: No, teacher, it's the same dog ! |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:46 - [profile]
TEACHER : Now, PAPPU, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating ? PAPPU: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook. |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:45 - [profile]
TEACHER : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots ! PAPPU: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home. |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:45 - [profile]
PAPPU : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt? FATHER : No. Why do you ask that? PAPPU: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then? |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:44 - [profile]
TEACHER : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" PAPPU : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?" |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:43 - [profile]
TEACHER : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?" PAPPU : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time." |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:43 - [profile]
TEACHER : PAPPU, give me a sentence starting with "I". PAPPU : I is... TEACHER : No, PAPPU. Always say, "I am." PAPPU : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet." |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:42 - [profile]
TEACHER : PAPPU, how do you spell "crocodile"? PAPPU : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" TEACHER : No, that's wrong PAPPU : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it! |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:42 - [profile]
TEACHER : PAPPU, go to the map and find North America. PAPPU : Here it is! TEACHER : Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? CLASS : PAPPU! |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:41 - [profile]
TEACHER : What is the chemical formula for water? PAPPU : "HIJKLMNO! "!! TEACHER : What are you talking about? PAPPU : Yesterday you said it's H to O ! |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:38 - [profile]
Banta Singh decided to apply to a Medical School for admission and appeared for the entrance test. He was totally baffled when he did not figure in the admission list because he thought he had maxed the entrance test. Here are his answers. You decide whether he did.... Antibody - against everyone Artery - the study of fine paintings Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria Benign - what you be after you be eight Bowel - letters like a,e,i,o,u Caesarian Section - a district in Rome Cardiology - advanced study of Poker playing Cat Scan - searching for lost kitty Chronic - neck of a crow Coma - punctuation mark Cortisone - area around local court Cyst - short for sister Diagnosis - person with slanted nose Dilate - the late British Princess Diana Dislocation - in this place Duodenum - couple in blue jeans Enema - not a friend False Labor - pretending to work Genes - blue denim Groin - to mash to a pulp / smile Hernia - she is close by Hymen - greeting to several males Impotent - distinguished / well-known Labor Pain - hurt at work Lactose - people without feet Lymph - walk unsteadily Menopause - I no wait Microbes - small dressing gowns Obesity - City of Obe Pacemaker - winner of Nobel Peace Prize Protein - in favor of teens Pulse - grain Pus - small cat Red Blood Count - Dracula Rupture - Ecstasy Secretion - hiding anything Subcutaneous - not cute enough Suture - Gujrati for "what do you want" Tablet - small table Tumor - extra pair Ultrasound - radical noise Urine - opposite of you're out Varicose - very close Vas Deferens - extremely different Vein - at what time? |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:35 - [profile]
Never Play with an Indian.... Once an Indian goes to USA and meets President Bush. Bush takes him to a jungle to prove that Americans are technologically advanced. In the jungle, Bush asks the Indian to start digging. He keeps on digging. When he reaches 100ft Bush tells him to start searching. The Indian finds a piece of wire. Bush proudly says "You see; even 100 years back we had telephone". At this the Indian gets really annoyed. Next year Bush comes to India. The Indian takes him to a jungle and tells him to start digging. Bush digs 100 ft and stops. The Indian tells him to continue. He digs 200ft. The Indian tells him to continue. Bush finally reaches 400ft and Indian tells him to stop. But Bush doesn't find anything and is annoyed. Bush asks the Indian "What did you want to prove?". The Indian replies " Even 400 years back we had wireless". Jai Hind..!! |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:33 - [profile]
Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning. |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:31 - [profile]
Dear Husband, I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone. P. S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your Ex-Wife. Dear Ex-Wife, Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a man!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care. P. S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem. Signed: Rich As Hell and Free! your ex-husband |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:26 - [profile]
In the immigration office: - Name? - Abu Dalah Sarafi- - Sex? - Four times a week. - No, no, no ..... male or female? - Male, female, ... ... sometimes ... camel. |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:15 - [profile]
The Hikers One day, Joe, Bob and Dave were hiking in a wilderness area when they came upon a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. Joe prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, although he almost drowned a couple of times. Seeing this, Dave prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river."Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times. Bob had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools, and the intelligence, to cross this river." Poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge. |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:13 - [profile]
"Mommy,... I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........" At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."! At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army..." Moral: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt...!! |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Sunday, 2006. February 26. 18:05 - [profile]
My wife left me... I don't understand. After our last child was born, she told me we had to cut back on expenses. I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it up, but I noticed the other day when she came home from grocery shopping the receipt included $45 in makeup. I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!" She said, "I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you." I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!" I don't think she'll be back. |
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zoltan moderator posts: 67 |
# - Sent: Saturday, 2006. February 25. 14:46 - [profile]
What is a woman like? Answer: http://esca.freeweb.hu/woman.html |
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It's simple, fast and completly free! |
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