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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 17:00 - [profile] wonders..... Have you ever heard someone say "That's the best thing since sliced bread"? Well, what was the best thing before sliced bread? Why is it called a TV "set" if there's only one? Why does your nose run and your feet smell? Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why is it whether you sit down or sit up, the results are the same? Why is it called a "building" when it's already built? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? How can you "draw a blank"? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllable"? Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? Why are stadium seating areas called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is it when two planes almost collide it's called a 'near miss'. Shouldn't it be called a 'near hit'? Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii? Why do light switches say on/off? When it's on you can see it's on, when it's off you can't see it to read it. Why do 'fat chance' and 'slim chance' mean the same thing? Ever notice that PRICE and WORTH mean about the same thing, but priceless and worthless are opposites? Why is it when you transport something by car it's called a shipment, and when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:51 - [profile] Why didn't the skeleton go to the party? Because he had no-body to go with!

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:49 - [profile] Kitchen notice: This Kitchen will be closed today because of illness. I'm SICK of cooking! Edited: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:49

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:45 - [profile] An English teacher wrote these words on the whiteboard: "woman without her man is nothing". The teacher then asked the students to punctuate the words correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:44 - [profile] What's the definition of a pessimist? A pessimist is a well-informed optimist

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:42 - [profile] This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:40 - [profile] What's the difference between Heaven and Hell? In Heaven... the French are the cooks the Germans are the engineers the British are the police the Swiss are the managers the Italians are the lovers In Hell... the British are the cooks the French are the managers the Italians are the engineers the Germans are the police the Swiss are the lovers

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:36 - [profile] A customer ordered some coffee in a café. The waiter arrived with the coffee. and placed it on the table. After a few moments, the customer called for the waiter. 'Waiter,' he said. 'There's dirt in my coffee!' 'That's not surprising, Sir,' replied the waiter. 'It was ground only half-an-hour ago.'

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:35 - [profile] Why did the Cyclops stop teaching? Because he only had one pupil!

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:33 - [profile] Why do cows have bells? Because their horns don't work!

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:32 - [profile] How do you count a herd of cattle? With a cowculator.

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:31 - [profile] Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head? Because from a distance they looked like hares!

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 16:28 - [profile] What did the mayonnaise say to the fridge? Close the door please. I'm dressing.

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 14:34 - [profile] Supermarket A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake, and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets. Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor." The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate." The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 14:32 - [profile] River A man was walking along a river bank (the land at the side of a river is called a bank) when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank. He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?" The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other side of the river already."

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 14:30 - [profile] Good news, bad news The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had showers or been able to change their clothes. Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?" All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news." The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're going to change our underwear." All the men cheered. Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones. Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 14:27 - [profile] Bracelet A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it. Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit. The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet for her for up to four weeks. Then he asks her, "When will you come to collect and pay for the bracelet?" The woman replies, "My husband will come in and pay for the bracelet as soon as he does something unforgivable. Probably this weekend!"

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Tuesday, 2006. February 28. 14:22 - [profile] 2 x 11 Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven? Because two times ten is twenty, and two times eleven is twenty, too!

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Monday, 2006. February 27. 21:33 - [profile] Europe English The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English". In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Monday, 2006. February 27. 21:30 - [profile] The English Language Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language? Let's face it English is a stupid language. There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We sometimes take English for granted But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down slowly Boxing rings are square And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher taught, Why didn't the preacher praught. If a vegetarian eats vegetables What the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play Yet play at a recital? Park on driveways and Drive on parkways You have to marvel at the unique lunacy Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which you fill in a form By filling it out And a bell is only heard once it goes! English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That is why When the stars are out they are visible But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I wind up my watch It starts But when I wind up this observation, It ends.

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Monday, 2006. February 27. 14:37 - [profile] This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Terrible, doctor, terrible." "Did it not work?" "Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Monday, 2006. February 27. 14:32 - [profile] A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your trousers." she said. "That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family." With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps. "Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!" She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Monday, 2006. February 27. 14:23 - [profile] An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves. The lad asked, "What is this, father?" The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls. The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out. The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Monday, 2006. February 27. 14:16 - [profile] There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field. She was in a boat rowing, with no water in sight. The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”

zoltan moderator posts: 67	# - Sent: Monday, 2006. February 27. 14:05 - [profile] Four guys went golfing; one went in the clubhouse to pay while the others waited at the first tee. One of the guys says, “I'm so proud of my son. He is a stock broker and he's made enought that he just gave away a huge portfolio.” The next guy said, “I'm so proud of my son. He's a car dealer and he's doing so well, he just gave away a Ferrari.” The third guy says, “I'm so proud of my son. He's got enough money that he just gave away a million-dollar home.” Just as the third guy fininshes talking, the fourth guy joins them and asks, “What are you guys talking about?' “Just about how good our sons are doing,” the three men replied. “Well, my son is doing very well,” says the fourth man, “He's a male stripper and just last week he got a huge portfolio, a Ferrari and a million-dollar home.”

point of view / jokes

point of view / jokes